Friday, December 18, 2009
Tuesday 1.12.09

The arrival into New Zealand feels surreal… I have been so busy for the last few years and especially last two months as I finalized the celebrant distance education programs for the registration year, conducted over 30 weddings, namings and funeral ceremonies, handed in the final manuscript of the funeral book  all while packing up my home and sorting out all of my affairs to go away for the year. 

And yet, here I am sitting at the beautiful Lake Takepo, South Island New Zealand. The sun setting pink over the mountains, the crisp air filling our lungs as we take a walk around the white shores of the aquamarine still waters of the lake Roger and I love.


It is our second ritual that we love when we come to NZ...walking around this beautiful lake… after picking up our little campervan and settling in. The campervan becomes our transport, kitchen, bed, home and sanctuary. It is a special space.

DIVORCE CEREMONY

In the last week I had some great times with families celebrating naming and wedding ceremonies and on the Thursday before I left I was asked to be a witness for a divorce ceremony for a couple who had been separated for a few years now.  They came to me with a clear idea of what they had wanted and asked if there was anything I could suggest. I put forward that it would set the tone for the ceremony by arriving and rather than begin with any chatter, just come in, come into the ceremony area and light a candle each.

I had set up the area with three chairs facing each other and a table in the centre with three unlit candles and one candle already lit (one my mum brought me when we were in Taize, France – the centre for love, peace and reconciliation).

They bought a beautiful bunch of flowers that the lady had brought from their previous marriage home garden and the gentleman brought some frangipanis.

They arrived separately but on time and we said hello then moved into the ceremonial area.  I invited them to be comfortable and take a moment to sit quietly and become aware of their bodies seated, their inner sensations and their breathing. Inviting them to both become really present of the moment of being here. After a few minutes I then spoke asking them to gently open their eyes and acknowledged the light from the Taize candle and what be  represented – peace, love and reconciliation.

We each lit a candle with a prayer/request for these qualities to be present.

They had brought a reading which stated they honoured the journey and all the aspects that they brought into the relationship, the responsibilitythey took for the breakdown of the relationship and that they wished each other well on their new journey.

Once this was spoken aloud to each other in turn they then signed the paper it was written on. I signed as their witness to this declaration. It was a solemn affair and there were a few tears shed. A simple hug at the end and they went their way. It was simple yet very powerful.
I have conducted other divorce celebrations over the years and they can take any shape. Usually the two people will have an idea of what they want but if not it can be useful to ask a few key questions:

What do you want to achieve?

Are you ready for this ceremony to take place?

Do you have any unfinished business you need to address (to discuss either with each other and/or counselor) (While this may be a ‘yes’ a ceremony can still be very effective in assisting the process of separation and could happen even if this is the case. It is important however to acknowledge what is happening to oneself).

What do you imagine happening and how will this ceremony achieve this?

If you have conducted any divorce ceremonies or have any ideas to contribute I look forward to hearing from you.