Questions for Writing a Memoir or Eulogy

A friend was wanting to help his mum record some of her life stories and asked me what questions I asked when helping people write a memoir or write their own eulogy.

Over these last few years I have been helping an elderly friend write her memoir. I found the process was mostly about following her lead. She chose the stories she wanted to explore, and my role was to support that unfolding. I would ask open-ended or clarifying questions that helped bring the memories into fuller detail. Sometimes the questions were very simple: Was the river behind the house or somewhere else? What was the country like? Tell me again what path you took to get to school? How was that story for you? What helped you get through that?  Or, questions where I would reflect and she could correct or tell me more details: You had to walk down through the railway yard, up around the hedge and catch the mail train which was really smelly? Yes?

Each time she spoke, I would record a voice memo and also scribe notes. Much of my role was simply to witness and help capture the stories she wanted to tell.

There was one period of her life she didn’t want to write about but the publisher was really wanting information about those few decades. I respected the elderly lady’s boundary. Instead of entering areas she wished to avoid, I asked more practical questions about that time: where she was living, the work she was doing, how she travelled around, and her contact with family, colleagues etc. In that way we could acknowledge that chapter of her life without entering territory that felt unsafe or painful to revisit.

Many of the questions used in memoir conversations are similar to those I draw on when preparing a funeral ceremony or eulogy. The intention is slightly different though.

For a funeral or memorial, the questions are usually asked of family and friends. The aim is to gather stories that help bring the person to mind for those who are grieving, moments that show their character, quirks, relationships, and the imprint they left on others. Although, that said I also prepare funeral ceremonies and eulogies for people who wish to write their own. My mum wrote her eulogy with my support, primarily because she thought dad wouldn’t get the details right. And, that’s certainly true!

When speaking with someone who is still living, the questions tend to invite their own reflections: what mattered to them, what they learned and the legacy they hope they shared with others, and how they see their life when they look back.

Here are two sets of questions I often draw from.

Questions for a funeral ceremony or eulogy (asked of family and friends). I may not ask all of these questions and often they are modified according to the family, the situation, the request of what they are needing. However, these questions may get you started.

• What words would you use to describe your (deceased) beloved?
• What did they love most in life?
• What were some of their passions or interests?
• What made them laugh or brought them joy?
• What were some of their quirks or habits that you remember fondly?
• Can you share a story that captures something essential about them?
• How did they show love or care for others?
• What roles did they play in their family or community?
• What hardships or challenges did they face, and how did they meet them?
• How were they challenging? (This may or may not be used in the eulogy)
• What moments made you especially proud of them?
• Did they have any spiritual beliefs that were important to them?
• Did they share with you what death meant for them? (You will know whether it is appropriate to ask this question)
• What lessons or values did they pass on to others?
• What will you miss most about them?

Questions for a memoir or writing your own eulogy.

• What are some of your earliest memories?
• What was your family like when you were growing up?
• Who were the people who influenced you most in your life?
• What were your dreams or hopes when you were young?
• What moments in your life feel like turning points?
• What are some of the happiest times you remember?
• What were some of the hardest times, and what helped you through them?
• What relationships have been most important in your life?
• What work or activities have given your life meaning?
• What are some things you feel proud of when you look back?
• What have you learned about life along the way?
• What hopes do you have for the generations that come after you?

In both situations, when I am meeting with someone, I’ve found the most important thing is not the questions themselves but the space to listen. Often one story leads to another, and the richest moments come when we simply follow what lights someone up or touches their heart.

When writing someone’s memoir or a eulogy, I aim to keep as close as possible to their own words, taking direct quotes and honouring the language and expressions that were natural to them. That’s often what helps their voice and spirit come alive on the page.

Please feel free to leave a comment below if you have any questions or ideas you want to add!