Uncoupling Vow as an Opportunity
Why did you do this to me can be one of the most painful questions in a relationship. Years ago, the first couple who came to me asking for a divorce ceremony brought with them a vow from a book by Hans Jellouschek, a therapist who had spent decades working with couples. His book was titled, ‘Why did you do this to me? Infidelity as an opportunity’. (Warum hast du mir das angetan? Untreue als Chance).
Jellouschec wrote in the chapter about ‘separation rituals’, “Timing: Only if and when the separation is accepted and wanted by both can this ritual be helpful. Externalities, like finances, property settlement, childcare arrangements and so on should be agreed on and settled. The one who initially did not want the separation has to find acceptance ‘of what is’ and find his/her own inner ‘yes’ to the separation.”
A separation ritual that includes both parties can only truly serve when both people have reached a place of acceptance, when the practical matters are settled, and when each person can find their own inner yes to what is ending.
The vow they shared was simple and direct:
I take from you what you gave me.
I shall honour it.
It was quite a lot and I thank you for it.
For what went wrong I take on the responsibility for my part and leave for you to take responsibility for your part.
I respect you an honour you as Father/Mother of our children and I shall, for my part, continue to cooperate with you for their wellbeing.
As your partner I take my leave from you. Fare well!
Go your own way, as I shall go my way now.
We sat together at a round table, three chairs, a vase of flowers between us, and a candle lit to represent all that had been shared. They spoke their words, signed a simple agreement, extinguished the candle, embraced, and left.
There was clarity, care, and a shared willingness to mark the ending.
I remember feeling deeply moved by the simplicity and completeness of the ceremony they had designed.
