Fearing Paris
Last night in our online Celebrating This Precious Life session we discussed what it is to meet our fears around death and dying.
What are some of these fears?
Fear of…. suffering physical and emotional pain, fear of dying alone, fear of my partner or child dying first and the pain of grief, regret, not being enough, unfinished business and leaving my mess for others, fear of living without meaning or purpose, fear of children, grandchildren or the family’s dog dying in my care, my children or those I love being hurt, or being chronically ill, slowly withering away, dying in pain, being confused, being a burden, loss of mental capacity, fear of suffering…
How do we turn towards these fears with safety and find meaning as we expose these thoughts that create tension in our hearts and in our connection to others?
We explored a tender self empathy practice and unearthed the underlying needs.
I read the poem, Fearing Paris by Marsha Truman Cooper.
Suppose that what you fear could be trapped
and held in Paris.
Then you would have
the courage to go
everywhere in the world.
All the directions of the compass open to you,
except the degrees east or west of true north
that lead to Paris.
Still, you wouldn’t dare
put your toes
smack dab on the city limit line. You’re not really willing
to stand on a mountainside, miles away,
and watch the Paris lights
come up at night.
Just to be on the safe side
you decide to stay completely out of France.
But then the danger
seems too close
even to those boundaries,
and you feel
the timid part of you
covering the whole globe again. You need the kind of friend
who learns your secret and says, “See Paris First.”
When I am feeling afraid, I start with a mindful practice. Noticing my breath, my heart racing, my temperature rising, whatever is happening in my body… and what I am telling myself.
Recently, when I felt fear arise in a small group that was in conflict I noticed I was telling myself:
- I can’t change this.
- It doesn’t matter what I do.
- I’ll don’t know what to say.
- There’s no point.
- I am not enough.
Sound familiar? There are many different versions of how we can talk to ourselves. They are not who we truly are and still, they show up.
I have found tenderness and self empathy for what is happening in my body and emotions turns me towards what I am needing. To what is truly alive in me beyond the ‘stinking thinking’. I can smell when something is not quite right and needs some care.
I was able to identify my needs for companionship—seen and unseen, trust,
If needed, I will call put out a call to friends— to support me with my connection to my ‘sweet’ needs and receive heartfelt deep listening and empathy.
Together, we are seeing Paris and the whole beautiful world! I feel honoured and excited to meet monthly with a group of friends who show up for the honest conversations about life and death.
Here is the talk with the practices I shared. How do you meet your fears? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below. (Please note your contact details are not shown in the comments)
This was a lovely read first thing as the pink sky was starting to peek in my window, warming the view, if not the temperature here in Auckland. I see the strength of your facilitation in such wide ranging situations as coming from your humanity and honed listening and feeling – gently easing barbs, pains, and tentacles to create space for connection and healing conversation. Ka pai e hoa. I can get out of bed with a lighter step into my day.
I feel a great sense of mutuality, shared respect and lightness of being as I read your message. Blessings on all your days.