Stimulus and Response in Relationship

The stimulus and response in relationship is often lightning quick.

“Trauma is the invisible force that shapes our lives. It shapes the way we live, the way we love and the way we make sense of the world. It is the root of our deepest wounds.” This is the invitational line in a recent online summit, the Wisdom of Trauma, hosted by Dr. Gabor Maté and the team from Science and Non-Duality. In a talk with Diane Poole Heller and Gabor Maté, called Broken Connections: Healing Strategies for Trauma and Attachment they shared about different attachment types that couples come into relationship with and the ways that couples respond to their differing patterns.

I reflected over my relationship of 24 years  and I felt a softening of my body into the chair; my intimate relationship has been a rollercoaster ride often due to our different attachment types and the ways they stimulate us to respond.

I’ve learnt a lot about meeting what comes and in doing so, there is a lot more kindness and care. To paraphrase writer, Viktor Frankl, ‘Between the stimulus and the response there is a space and in this space lies our freedom’.

I am consistently reminded of the importance of coming to my senses, to presence, to self connection, to sharing my experience of life and love. Of taking a breath… or a few… in the heat of the moment to really feel what’s here in my body.

To stop and notice what I am telling myself about the situation.

And, to check in with what’s really calling in me.

Then, when I feel this connection to presence, awareness, the moment, I can then truly deeply listen to what’s alive for the other.

In this space, lies our freedom.

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